There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

Assassins!
[to his orchestra]

If Columbus had been a married man, he might never have discovered America: You're going where? With whom? To discover what? Coming back when? And I suppose she's giving you those three ships for nothing?

Bachelor: A guy who believes in wine, women, and s'long.

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he entitled to happiness?

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.